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[IC] Appointments
Haaaaaai, you've reached Yorozuya Gin-chan. We're out saving the world right now, so leave a message. Or, if you want to make a donation to the Yorozuya Foundation, you can leave it at XXXXX. We accept payment in the form of money, chocolate parfait, cake, sweets, strawberry milk, and lollipops.
Please label all appointments with date & Voice/Video/Text or Action!
Please label all appointments with date & Voice/Video/Text or Action!
ACTION, backdated to Christmas morning
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2/4?
At first glance, it just appears to be an innocent carton of strawberry milk.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT STRAWBERRY MILK APPEARING FOR NO REASON ON GIN-SAN'S CHEST FIRST THING IN THE MORNING, IS THERE. He bets Kagura did something shitty to it, like spit in it, or put some laxatives in it, or get it out of a dumpster. It's probably all curdled or there's an eyeball at the bottom.
...wouldn't hurt to check, right?
Gintoki opens the carton up and sniffs it. ]
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[ Seriously, green rice?
He navigates past Kagura in the kitchen to get at glasses, fully intent on pouring the strawberry milk into two glasses. The best way to test for poison, after all, is to offer the suspect the first drink. ]
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[ HINT HINT. ]
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[ Gintoki sets one of the glasses of strawberry milk down in front of Kagura, then goes to sit down at the kitchen table across from her. The kitchen table. They actually have a kitchen. ]
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He picks up his chopsticks and then reaches for the soy sauce, to pour on his egg. ]
Why are we having tamago kake gohan again, hah? We can afford nicer things now that everything's free. We don't need to have this every day.
[ Said as he pours his soy sauce on the puke rice, which mixes with the green and makes it look even more gross. ]
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[ Yeah, this is the only thing she can make... But she's not even actually listening. Just agreeing so she sounds like a good kid. She wants a present, damn it. She knows they're stuck in some backward Doujin with no TV, but there has to be something he can get her, right? ]
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Gintoki narrows his eyes and peers closer. ]
Oi. Why are you agreeing with me, hah? Isn't this where you're supposed to be like, "But tamago kake gohan's the best aru"? You're not acting in character, and that's creepy.
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It is a almost a new year now, yes? Just because we do not age does not mean our character type does not aru. Perhaps I am just maturing into someone who is considered "very good".
[ Hint hint hint hint hint. Good people get presents, right? ]
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Iya, the only thing you've gotten very good at is making the bathroom smell a lot more after you take a shit, and using up more toilet paper during your egg week.
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But she can't get angry. She can't flip the table, then beat him into a coma with it. That won't get her some presents. It's hard work, but she calms herself, and begins eating her rice by tipping the bowl up to her face. ]
Ah, you know what egg week reminds me of aru? A red coat. Didn't we know someone else who always wore a red coat?
[ YES. LEAD THE CONVERSATION TO SANTA. He'll say "Oh, I know! You're thinking of Santa!" then it will move into present territory. She's so smart! ]
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[ Gintoki's voice is starting to rise in that precarious way he does when he starts to get anxious.]
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Why would I think of such a minor character aru? The one I am thinking of only comes once a year, but he still has a bigger part than some drunken perm aru. And yet you do not see Santa in the opening songs aru, do you?
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She wants a fucking Christmas present.
He almost chokes on the milk, but manages to get it down, and reaches for the puke-colored rice, and shovels some into his mouth. ]
Why would you give your eggs to Santa, hah? [ Asked through a mouthful of food, chewing with his mouth open in the rudest way possible. ] You don't have some sort of old man fetish do you?
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[ She steps back, waving a hand toward the couch where there is a plate holding several types of egg dish, along with a note that reads "For Santa". ]
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Why is she offering Santa eggs?!?!
Is this some sort of weird euphemism for telling Santa that she wants to give him her eggs, too? Does Kagura secretly want Santa to fill her eggs with his **** so she can be taken to the North Pole and become Santa's second wife? Does she want to give birth to elves?!
No way. No, no, no, no, no way.
Gintoki raises a hand up and slaps it down on the table with such a huge thump that all the contents of the table go flying, and then he gets up and runs over to the egg dish on the coffee table, grabbing it. ]
How the hell is this normal, hah?!
Oi, don't tell me you're already at that age where you want to find a man and have babies!! If you think you're gonna go off with some old geezer and give him your eggs, you're a hundred years too early, kusogaki! Gin-san's never gonna let that happen!
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But, she rebounds quickly, turning to face him and laugh mockingly. ]
You're so naive! Yato do not hatch from eggs aru. An angel comes and puts a baby in a mommy's stomach because the papi is too busy spreading his hairs across the galaxy aru.
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[ Deadpanned as Gintoki lifts the egg dish up to his nose to sniff. ]
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These eggs are free, so it is not a big deal to give them to Santa aru. Besides, I am not opposed to a marriage to Santa. I will get free toys, yes? And Santa probably can not live much longer aru, so it will be a marriage of convenience.
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Gin-san's had enough. He shoves the plate of eggs right in Kagura's face. ]
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[ She plants one of her hands on his cheek, attempting to push him, and Santa's eggs, away. ]
THIS IS NOT CONVENIENT ARU!
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